What is it like to be broken?

~ Eva ~ 14 Comments

What is it like to be broken?

Is it the state of a porcelain jar, fallen and shattered to pieces, where the pieces don’t fit anymore?

What is it like to be broken?

Is it how the long hand and the short hand of an old grandfather clock is at a complete stand still despite winding it up repeatedly?

What is it like to be broken?

Is it a state of mind or a state of choice?

Continue reading “What is it like to be broken?” →

Dear Mom

~ Eva ~ 9 Comments

Dear Mom,

Thank you for giving birth to me. Thank you for raising me well. I wouldnt be the person I am today without your infinite love, guidance and support.

There is no other way for me to express myself but by writting my inner thoughts, some words I couldnt dare speak. For reasons that would not make sense or maybe all my reasons have foresaken me.

I know that,
Eveyone would say that you’re making a mistake.
Everyone would say what a wasted oppostunity.
Everyone would say you’re a fool for making such a decision.
Everyone would say what a wasted life.

And to be honest I think everyone includes you too.

Sorry for not meeting your expectations and that your pride and joy doesnt seem to be living up to what you have always dreamed of.

Someone that people could look up to
Someone that people couple be proud of.
Someone worthy of endless praise.

I hope you’d believe me when I said, I did my best.
I hope you’d believe me when I said, I tried my hardest.
I hope you’d believe me when I said, I not only did it for myself but to make you proud as well.

Sometimes my best is not enough. Maybe this time, my hardest doesnt cut it. And as much as I wanted you to be satisfied with me, I only ended up satisfying myself.

It hasnt been the easiest past weeks for any of us. I know I’m not the only one tossing and turning at night. I know that the sacrifices you’ve done for me is beyond measure, and where one wouldnt even dare put a price tag on it.

Thank you.
Thank you are the two words which I haven’t said enough.
Thank you are the two words that seem to have been forgotten.

I know my decision wouldnt make sense. I know that it would seem rash and unrational. I know you think deely that I would be making the biggest mistakes that I could ever make.

What a wasted opportunity, time and talent.
What a wasted experience that some people could only dream of.
What a wasted stepping stone that could secure and propel me to a brighter future.

Know that I thought things through.
Know that that I am very well aware of the conquences of my actions
Know that I am foresing the domino effect it would have on our family.

It would seem like I am taking the easier way out for not facing my problems. It would seem that way at first. The fear of being not to satisfy my own ego but it goes beyond that. I hope and pray that someday you’ll understand why I decided to push through with one of the most difficult things I had to do in life which is quitting.

I pray earnestly everyday hoping that things would be clearer.
I am still praying everyday that you could have it in your heart to accept my decision.

I am far from being the ideal daughter you hope and wish for me to be.
I have lost my way.
I am broken.

Bu know that despite the difficult ordeals we are going through, I will not cease to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I also hope you will never grow tired of guiding me and most importantly loving me.

A mother’s love is one of the rarest and most precious things one could ever dream of receiving and I am fortunate enough to have been showered with it the moment you gave birth to me.

I love you and I’m sorry.

An ODE to myself

~ Eva ~ 20 Comments

Dear Self,

How are you?

It’s been such a long time.

Are you still there?

Do you even care?

 

You once told yourself.

That if you didn’t practice the art of healing,

You’d be typing away.

So you could express your heart out.

 

Days passed by without a word,

Weeks flew by and months began rolling in.

No words resonnated.

Nothing.

 

I am busy, I am tired.

Do I need to justify myself some more?

My mind is blank.

Inspiration has foresaken me.

 

Was it the pressure of living to people’s expectations?

Was it the numbers the failed to satisfy your own greed?

Were these the reasons you felt like drowning?

Drowning, in you own words left unsaid?

 

Did you eventually get lost on your way to the top?

Do you even know the directions as to where you are headed.

Well you thought you did.

Boy, you got everything wrong.

 

Stop thinking too hard.

Stop thinking too much.

Stop berating yourself.

Stop doing this to yourself.

 

Didn’t people say its okay to fall.

After all, it’s the journey not the end point.

So stop nursing that wounded ego of yours.

Scars are there for a reason.

 

Finally, these uncoherent musings finally make sense.

Words are out.

Do you need to hear the verdict?

You’ve done well.

To all those reading, I know it’s been a while since I posted. I was gone for a while from this great community.

I know every person feels to justify themselves for their actions. I too feel that way so I should try to justify myself. I know there are people who enjoy my work that I feel I have letdown by keeping silent.

I finally understand the true definition of silence. It is not merely the absence of sounds but rather the absence of thoughts and a form of expression.

Silence can strip away a person’s freedom of expression. It can even strip one’s soul.

Like most people working tireless to earn a living, these past months have been spent juggling two work jobs while I manage to squeeze in sometime for myself, friends and most importantly family.

These are but reasons.

We are full of justifications once we feel cornered. Right? 

As the list of reasons became longer, the longer I spent away, the anxiety began to build up inside me. 

The numbers were going down and I felt that the pressure to write something great, sucked out all the inspiration from me. Hence the vicious cycle began.

Self doubt suddenly flooded in. 

Can I live up to my readers expectations? 

Would anyone still be reading this anyway?

And that is why it took so long.

Like any curious soul would do, every now and then I would visit and read other’s posted works. And like a ghost, I left no trace. Nothing.

It took a while for everything to settle out. IT TOOK AWHILE FOR ME TO MAKE THESE REALIZATIONS.

  • I envied them.
  • I missed the community.
  • I missed myself even more.

After gently smacking myself in the forehead, I’ve decided to go back. To go back to where I started.

Back to the time where stats didnt matter much to me.

Back to the time where building a following wasn’t the biggest of my worries.

And back to the time where writing was my own form of expression.

I am here to inspire those who want to be inspired. I am here because I want to connect and not for the following. 

Rest if you must but dont quit! You only cease to be a writer once you actually stop breathing, your heart stops beating and if you stop writing. 

 

 

Thought Corner#2 How do you know?

~ Eva ~ 4 Comments

 

How do you know if both of you had a great time?

How do you know if you both had a decent conversation?

How do you know?

Having a great time could be spent doing anything. You could go out on a movie date and enjoy the film. You could go wine and dine at a Michelin Star restuarant and eat to your hearts desire. 

Or you simply could order take out, wear comfortable clothing  and sit idly by and still have a good time.

But how do you know if both of you had a great time?

Can it be seen in your body language towards each other? Where one comfortable rest an arm around your shoulders.

Can it be seen on your facial experience? Surely a sparkle in your eyes and a wide smile could be a hint right?

Does not noticing the time mean you had a great time too? How did we fail to realise an hour breeze through when it only felt a mere 5 minutes together.

How do you know?

Having a decent conversation could mean

 

 

How do you know if someone is interested?

How do you know if someone really cares?