An ODE to myself

~ Eva ~ 15 Comments

Dear Self,

How are you?

It’s been such a long time.

Are you still there?

Do you even care?

 

You once told yourself.

That if you didn’t practice the art of healing,

You’d be typing away.

So you could express your heart out.

 

Days passed by without a word,

Weeks flew by and months began rolling in.

No words resonnated.

Nothing.

 

I am busy, I am tired.

Do I need to justify myself some more?

My mind is blank.

Inspiration has foresaken me.

 

Was it the pressure of living to people’s expectations?

Was it the numbers the failed to satisfy your own greed?

Were these the reasons you felt like drowning?

Drowning, in you own words left unsaid?

 

Did you eventually get lost on your way to the top?

Do you even know the directions as to where you are headed.

Well you thought you did.

Boy, you got everything wrong.

 

Stop thinking too hard.

Stop thinking too much.

Stop berating yourself.

Stop doing this to yourself.

 

Didn’t people say its okay to fall.

After all, it’s the journey not the end point.

So stop nursing that wounded ego of yours.

Scars are there for a reason.

 

Finally, these uncoherent musings finally make sense.

Words are out.

Do you need to hear the verdict?

You’ve done well.

To all those reading, I know it’s been a while since I posted. I was gone for a while from this great community.

I know every person feels to justify themselves for their actions. I too feel that way so I should try to justify myself. I know there are people who enjoy my work that I feel I have letdown by keeping silent.

I finally understand the true definition of silence. It is not merely the absence of sounds but rather the absence of thoughts and a form of expression.

Silence can strip away a person’s freedom of expression. It can even strip one’s soul.

Like most people working tireless to earn a living, these past months have been spent juggling two work jobs while I manage to squeeze in sometime for myself, friends and most importantly family.

These are but reasons.

We are full of justifications once we feel cornered. Right? 

As the list of reasons became longer, the longer I spent away, the anxiety began to build up inside me. 

The numbers were going down and I felt that the pressure to write something great, sucked out all the inspiration from me. Hence the vicious cycle began.

Self doubt suddenly flooded in. 

Can I live up to my readers expectations? 

Would anyone still be reading this anyway?

And that is why it took so long.

Like any curious soul would do, every now and then I would visit and read other’s posted works. And like a ghost, I left no trace. Nothing.

It took a while for everything to settle out. IT TOOK AWHILE FOR ME TO MAKE THESE REALIZATIONS.

  • I envied them.
  • I missed the community.
  • I missed myself even more.

After gently smacking myself in the forehead, I’ve decided to go back. To go back to where I started.

Back to the time where stats didnt matter much to me.

Back to the time where building a following wasn’t the biggest of my worries.

And back to the time where writing was my own form of expression.

I am here to inspire those who want to be inspired. I am here because I want to connect and not for the following. 

Rest if you must but dont quit! You only cease to be a writer once you actually stop breathing, your heart stops beating and if you stop writing. 

 

 

Thought Corner#2 How do you know?

~ Eva ~ Leave a comment

 

How do you know if both of you had a great time?

How do you know if you both had a decent conversation?

How do you know?

Having a great time could be spent doing anything. You could go out on a movie date and enjoy the film. You could go wine and dine at a Michelin Star restuarant and eat to your hearts desire. 

Or you simply could order take out, wear comfortable clothing  and sit idly by and still have a good time.

But how do you know if both of you had a great time?

Can it be seen in your body language towards each other? Where one comfortable rest an arm around your shoulders.

Can it be seen on your facial experience? Surely a sparkle in your eyes and a wide smile could be a hint right?

Does not noticing the time mean you had a great time too? How did we fail to realise an hour breeze through when it only felt a mere 5 minutes together.

How do you know?

Having a decent conversation could mean

 

 

How do you know if someone is interested?

How do you know if someone really cares?

Thought Corner #1: Gone But Never Forgotten

~ Eva ~ 6 Comments

Before officially starting off, I would like to thank Matthew Whiteside for writing this beautiful post entitled Terminal Diagnosis . His post triggered alot of emotions in me so I decided to do my own take on said topic. Below is a link to his post.

 

https://seekingpurposetoday.com/2019/04/16/my-terminal-diagnosis-writingcommunity-tuesdaymotivation/

Benjamin Franklin once said,

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except taxes and death.

We all remember Benjamin Franklin as the guy who popularized the theory regarding electricity. But aside from electricity, he said this famous line.

Taxes and death.

Imagine life without him. Life would totally have been so different. Since firstly, it would be really dark and secondly, there one be one less witty person out there.

Who would have thought to equate constancy with death and taxes right?

So let’s get right to it. . .To properly introduce this segment of my new thought corner, I think it is but best to define said topics.

 1.DEATH and GONE

According to Merriam-Webster

DEATH:  a permanent cessation of all vital.

GONE:   no longer living

As a Medical Practitioner

Being part of the medical field, the concept of death is neither foreign or unheard of to me. In fact, the one thing that is equally common in the hospital aside from births are deaths.

I have seen numerous people succumbed to death in front of my very eyes. Although the causes of death would vary, the end point is still the same.

And if you would ask me, how do i deal with such tragedy? Does it get better?

My answer to that is….it’s still a new experience everytime and it never gets easy. 

As a Writter

The thought of being gone forever leaves an empty feeling deep down inside me. It is as if my whole world would come crashing down along with me.

The thought of never writing again scares me.

The thought of never getting my thoughts out again frightens me to the core.

And if you would ask me, would I ever give up writting?

My answer to that is… taking writing away from me, is like stripping my heart away from my body. It is left useless and non functional. 

2. PAIN and FORGOTTEN

According to Merriam- Webster

PAIN: localized physicial suffering associated with bodily disorder

FORGOTTEN: to loose remembrance

As a Medical Practitioner

Coming into the emergency room, patients would often come in with complaints mostly associated with pain.

Whether it is for  bad stomache or a nagging headache that never goes a way, irregardless of the reason, all patients alike want relief of the pain they are suffering.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is inevitable. But sometimes we forget that aside from the hurt we feel, pain often brings out something wonderful.

People would often say labor pains are the best way to awaken a mother’s love. . . and surely I wouldn’t dare disagree with those people.

And so if you would ask me…. what scares you the most?

My answer to that would be… suffering in so much pain, a pain that I could never bear. 

As a writer

Being a writer in itself is unique. We don’t have fixed hours compared to usual jobs. We don’t typically have to go to offices and wear suits and tie.

But what makes us even more unique is our vulnerability. We are all artist alike. We strive to get our work out there and along with that process we loose ourselves as well.

And so if you ask me… are you scared of loosing yourself?

My answer to that would be….it is not loosing a piece of me that scares me the most but the mere thought of being forgotten puts me on a greater edge.

3. Impact and Remembrance

According to Merriam- Webster

IMPACT: have a strong effect on someone

REMEMBRANCE: action of remembering

As a Medical Professional

In the many years I have spent training in my profession, I could basically sum up my endless nights of studying by three words.

Service, Sacrifice, Impact.

Service to humanity. Endless sacrifice for the attainment of knowledge. And easing the burdens of our patients by making an impact through healing.

And so if you would ask me… when does your job end?

My answer would be… it is never ending. It doesnt end the moment they walk out of the hospital. It continues on beyond that. It continues the moment their lives become better and as they are eased out of their pain. And that is when you make an impact. 

As a Writer

Before starting out this blog, I had alot of aspirations.

  1. Enroll in a journalism course.
  2. Launch one legit book under a publishing house.
  3. Become a bestselling author.

Call it unrealistic. Call it hopeless dreaming.

But instead of only sticking my head up in the clouds, I chose to pursue this dream even more.

I have later learned that choosing something else doesnt mean giving up. It simply means choosing another option that is more attainable.

In the short span of my blogging journey, I went through a couple ups and downs. I have doubted myself. I’ve gotten myself stuck in a rut. And even went AWOL for a couple of weeks.

And so if you would ask me… was I scared of being forgotten?

My answer to that would be… YES! YES!  YES! Numerous thoughts went scrambling through my head. Could I still make a comeback? Will they even remember me?

Life is very funny indeed. Well funny wouldn’t probably be the best way to descibe it actually. Alot of other adjectives could be more appropriate.

LIFE is… scary, exciting and unpredictable. (Sorry that’s about all the adjectives I could come up as of the moment. )

Life begins with our birth and ends with our DEATH. Although both are polar opposites of one another, they are both inevitable.

It is bound to happen. It is only but natural.

In my own personal opinion, it is not death that scares me but the PAIN that comes along with it. The unbearable pain that I might not be able to handle but still have to face.

The idea of being GONE forever doesn’t scare me too much. However, the thought of being FORGOTTEN, now that’s a whole new story.

Being physically gone is unavoidable. We can’t do anything about that. BUT what is possible is making a dent in this world is.

We can do this by making an IMPACT in people’s life, maybe just maybe, we can be REMEMBERED in their hearts.

4. LIFE

LIFE: the existence of an indivdual human being

5. LIVING

LIVING: a full life

Let us not settle just for life but let us pursue living it instead.

So what are your thoughts? I really want to hear your answers to any of the bolder questions up above . Or if you want you can answer all of them 😊

1.How do you deal with tragedy? Does it get better?

2.Would you ever give up writting?

3.What scares you the most?

4.Are you scared of loosing yourself?

5.When does your job end?

6.Are you scared of being forgotten?

 

A special shout out to my dear friend Huguette for always remembering.  🙂

Photo credits: pexels.com

❤️ Eva

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